One of the benefits of rapidly hurtling towards old age is that once in a while you inadvertently learn something. Here are a few things I’ve found to be useful, think of them as Caffeine-Free Diet proverbs:

• When your partner asks you to do a quick task, just shut up and do it immediately.
  
  
• Never talk about how busy you are.
  
  
• Nothing good can come from a webinar.
  
  
• Don’t say someone’s first name when taking with them, it sounds like you’re trying to sell them a timeshare.
  
  
• A little Mariachi music goes a long way.
  
  
• A man will give birth before the proud will admit to being duped.
  
  
• When in doubt, overcommunicate.
  
  
• If someone doesn’t drink alcohol, never ask them why.
  
  
• Only use hashtags ironically.
  
  
• If someone self-describes as being funny, buckle up, as you’re in for a grim experience.