Obsessive Compulsive Disciple

A while back, a story made the rounds about a priest that had been accidentally swapping a single word while performing baptisms for more than 20 years, thus rendering them all invalid in the eyes of the church.

While this obviously provided for some solid Twitter gold…

…it also immediately caused an anxiety spike for me, someone that has struggled mightily over the years with Scrupulosity.

Never heard of it? I hadn’t either. The International OCD Foundation defines it as follows:

A form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) involving religious or moral obsessions. Scrupulous individuals are overly concerned that something they thought or did might be a sin or other violation of religious or moral doctrine.

In other words, it’s all the fun of standard OCD, with a some bone-deep, near-paralyzing religious guilt and doubt as an extra cherry on top.

While I haven’t exactly kept my life with OCD a secret, I’ve never written before about my journey with Scrupulosity specifically, and I do so now with the hope that it might bring even a small amount of comfort to others that find themselves dealing with similar struggles.

So, without further ado, here are some hits from my personal Scrupulosity playlist…

Invalid Baptisms:

Our church’s parent organization, the ICOC, has fairly controversial (to say the least) views on the precise specifics of baptism. For those of us with obsessive-compulsive tendencies, this opens up a never-ending set of reasons as to why our own baptisms might not be valid:

  • Was this decision entirely my own, vs. just done to please those around me?
  • Were the exact right words said (by both the leader and/or myself) leading up to the big plunge?
  • Was my body fully immersed in the water (a big ICOC sticking point)?
  • What about all of my friends and family that may not have followed these precise baptism practices? Despite all evidence to the contrary, are they all now destined for eternal hellfire?

There is of course no way to ever be 100% sure about the answers to any of these questions, and while most people can shrug and move on, those with Scrupulosity agonize endlessly over each detail.

I remember coming to the paralyzing conclusion during Bible studies that my beloved grandmother, one of the kindest people I ever knew, might not have gone through the precise “required” baptism order/method, and therefore I couldn’t know for sure if she’d been saved.

I came across this article recently about a church scolding its pastor for supporting his son’s hip-hop aspirations (due to some naughty words and themes!), and immediately flashed back to a memory of my grandma showing my profanity-laced college films to all of her senior friends, having chosen to focus more on loving and being proud of her grandson than on stupid technicalities.

That was love. That was Christianity.

The fact that OCD and the ICOC’s dogma ever caused me to fear for my Grandma fills me with sadness and regret.

Compulsion To Evangelize:

As an introvert and whatever the exact opposite of a salesperson is, I’ve always had issues with full-on “cold call”-style evangelism, much preferring to offer a peek into my faith through individual relationships, acts of service and written pieces in which I try to open up about complicated issues.

Sounds reasonable, right? Scrupulosity disagrees.

While the pressure to do in-person evangelism (something that has also burned the ICOC in the past) has died down a bit over the years, it’s been replaced by the aggressive embrace of social media evangelism, or to those with Scrupulosity, relentless “I better share this post from the church or I’m a bad person that denies Christ” brain tickles.

While I haven’t given in to the compulsion in a while, there have been countless times that I’ve re-shared an upcoming event invite just for a momentary sense of relief.

With so many evangelicals generally unwilling to treat the Internet as a place for self-expression and honest public discussion, and instead as simply a glorified marketing list, the fact that I’d periodically cave to this impulse and take the easy way out still fills me with shame.

More painful still is how evangelism guilt worked its way into the last few months of a loved one’s life.

Many years back, one of my favorite uncles was diagnosed with terminal cancer. While I was able to fly out and visit with him one last time before he passed away (something that I’m forever grateful for), much of the visit was consumed with a Scrupulosity-driven pressure to make sure he was “saved” before dying. Keep in mind that I had almost no actual knowledge of his spiritual life or state of mind, only that I obviously had the correct path.

The time I spent putting together and awkwardly sharing an informational packet with him could have been spent outside of my own head, connecting and empathizing with him. To this day I still regret how this went down.

Self-Sacrifice Guilt:

Staying kind and keeping a humble, serving heart is of course the cornerstone of Christianity (maybe not American Christianity in 2022, but that’s a topic for a hundred other posts).

While most people are able to balance their desire to help others with their own need for self-care and the realization that they can’t solve the world’s problems single-handedly, this is decidedly not the case for those of us on team Scrupulosity.

For years I felt personally responsible for spreading the word and/or jumping in to help with the endless stream of “missing person” alerts, medical needs or GoFundMe campaigns that I came across in person or online.

The Giving Tree, in other words, was less of an inspiration and more of a spot-on horror show. This great clip from the Fargo TV series outlines the compulsion and resulting uncertainty well:


Some Closing Takeaways:

After wrestling with Scrupulosity for a large part of my life, I can summarize some of my observations and recommendations as follows…

  • Working through this stuff is incredibly hard, and I still have bad days where I backslide into a worry spiral. Just ask my wife, who has the patience of a saint. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
  • Human-interpreted doctrinal rules are nonsense. God cares most about your heart and acting in love (some of which can and should be directed at yourself!), not about dogma.
  • The guilt you feel shows that you’re coming from a place of love. The seemingly selfless “Christian” role models around you can break your heart and end up being exposed as having deeply disturbing views and an overall pattern of inaction on race, social justice, women’s rights and so much more. Shoutout to the past decade for shining more and more light on this rat’s nest, and I suspect that the next decade will be rockier still as the cleansing fire keeps burning.
  • Medication. It works, friends.

For real though, if you’ve ever struggled with any of this stuff, I’m more than glad to chat. I obviously don’t have all the answers, but sometimes just waving to a fellow traveler can work wonders.

Motherfucker

😲 Clutching your pearls? Perfect!

What a week! Setting aside the tragic deaths, attacks and unfolding espionage investigation, this clip of Texas politician Beto O’Rourke made the rounds:

After posting it as an Instagram story (I know, gross, but sometimes you’ve got to slum it to reach certain people), I fairly quickly had an interesting DM conversation that echoed a few of the sentiments in this NPR piece that’s now making the rounds/getting rightfully dunked on.

Some specific points of overlap:

  • He did this in front of kids!
  • This type of shocking language distracted from the message he was trying to deliver.
  • Public officials should be held to a higher standard.

As the NPR article concludes: “It’s harmful to our politics because it becomes more difficult to conduct politics and find that middle ground on issues.”

So (cracks knuckles)…

Did he just get carried away in the moment? Totally possible.

Was dropping “motherfucker” a fully-calculated political move? Also quite possible.

Are we all talking about it? Absolutely.

Here’s the thing about his reaction: he’s either 1) honestly passionate enough about gun control that he he let his emotions take hold or 2) a savvy enough politician to know that a strategic “motherfucker” would bring social media eyeballs back to this issue (and of course his campaign).

In this year of our Algorithms that is 2022, I’m fully in support of either option. A person that’s generally composed and restrained, but once in a while shocks everyone with an unexpected burst of passion can be a powerful messenger, and help cut through a general sea of public cluelessness and/or apathy, especially around an issue where there should be no “middle ground” for any sane person.

After all, this approach worked pretty well for a generally chill guy when he saw what a bunch of moneylenders were up to in the temple.

And as I’ve said before, finger wagging over a “naughty” word while staying silent on (or worse, refusing to learn about or actively opposing) common sense gun control reforms is a real “why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” situation.

If you’re more worried about innocent little Destiny and Brayden hearing a bad word than about them getting brutally murdered in their own classrooms, you need to get your head examined. Profanity over insanity all day long. Spare me your impotent outrage, and (with love), kindly go fuck yourself.

Yes, And…

I recently came across this text meme making the rounds on IG stories:

As the world fights to figure everything out, I’ll be holding doors for strangers, letting people cut in front of me in traffic, saying good morning, keeping babies entertained in grocery lines, stopping to talk to someone who is lonely, tipping generously, waving at police, sharing food, giving children a thumbs-up, being patient with sales clerks, smiling at passersby, and buying a stranger a cup of coffee. WHY? Because I will not stand to live in a world where love is invisible. Join me in showing kindness, understanding, and judging less. Be kind to a stranger, give grace to friends who are having a bad day, be forgiving with yourself.

Cringe aside, these are all fine, kind things to do, though they absolutely ring a bit hollow when coming from a strong place of white suburban privilege (as was the case with my source).

What’s the main issue then? Well, it’s that in the year of our Lord 2022, proudly proclaiming that you’re performing a set of table stakes niceties while “the world fights to figure everything out” just doesn’t cut it as an acceptable course of action for a compassionate human being.

As the improv comedy community would say, “Yes, and…”

Of course you should be practicing acts of kindness, and be…

  • Paying attention to voices that are increasingly being silenced and marginalized, then doing your part to amplify them, consequences be damned.

  • Relentlessly calling out organizations that elevate legalism over love.

  • Coming to grips with the fact that the beloved past you long for with rose-colored glasses wasn’t all that great for so many others (or for the planet itself), and that it’s never, ever coming back.

In other words, things are real bad right now, there’s no sugarcoating it. Trust me though, you don’t want to live in a world where others “figure everything out” while you sit on the sidelines. Be loud. Be mad. Be informed. Be clear-eyed, but also be kind.