I’d Like to Thank…Your Mom!

Sarah and I went to the Hollywood Movie Awards on Monday night. It was definitely an experience. After scurrying around for an ATM (since we only had three bucks on us and credit cards evidently aren’t “the rage” at the Beverly Hilton), I grabbed a Long Island and we headed in. Here are some impressions/highlights/snippets:

-Mary Hart and Mark Steines from Entertainment Tonight hosted. I’ll just leave it at that. Simply typing “Mary Hart” makes me angry.

-Sarah ran into Heather Graham as she was heading out of the bathroom.

-We saw Drusilla from Buffy hanging around with the common folk.

-Kate Beckinsale was (as expected) super hot and Jamie Foxx’s acceptance speech was the best of the night.

-Quentin Tarantino took a verbal swipe at Chris Columbus. The Q-Man was just as spastic and weird as he is on all of his interviews.

-Frank Darabont (director of Shawshank and…yeah…we won’t mention the others) reminded me a bit of Elliot from Just Shoot Me (and he’s now on Veronica Mars). Yeah, f*** you, Krogmann. Veronica Mars. Drink it in.

-Keira Knightley was NOT sporting the best haircut of her life.

-Robert Downey, Jr. was hilarious, but obviously trashed out of his mind. I can only guess he did a line or two before he came out.

-Harrison Ford seriously looked like he was about to die on stage. Please don’t do Indy 4, Harrison. I beg you. It’ll end up looking like Weekend at Bernie’s.

-Jake Gyllenhaal was sassy and dynamic!

-Scarlett Johansson, like Kate Beckinsale, was super hot, though she seemed a little dazed. And by dazed I mean drunk. High five!

-Greg Kinnear was jovial!

-Stan Lee made some weak Spider-Man jokes. “Isn’t that the guy from Mallrats?” Sarah asked.

-Keanu Reeves was no Ted Theodore Logan.

-John C. Reilly was offbeat and quirky!

-Will and Jada Pinkett Smith bantered back and forth. One family. Two huge talents! Only in Hollywood, California!

Fahrenheit 9/11 won Best Picture, and Sarah refrained from making a negative Michael Moore comment as the announcement was made. This worked out well, since one of the film’s producers was sitting right next to us.

-A Reebok representative went on a ten-minute tangent about human rights violations, at which point most of the audience headed to the bar.

-A filmmaker made a comment about how the Dalai Lama isn’t getting any younger, and that he’s currently 69. Sarah blurted out “SIXTY NINE! Ha ha ha!” and I felt our marriage grow a bit stronger.

-John Travolta didn’t say anything about Battlefield Earth, but did acknowledge that Michael was actually released. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

-Leonardo “Did I mention that The Aviator is coming out soon?” DiCaprio acted like Growing Pains never happened.

-Mel Gibson charmed his way into my heart.

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Kyle Ford

Husband. Father of several clowns. Product guy.