Marital Discord

My wife and I share a remarkable number of things in common (from a bone-deep love of Star Trek IV and Bon Jovi’s “Blood on Blood” to the fact that both of us would rather be hit by a car than ever type “LOL”).

That said, we also have some longstanding, frankly rather painful areas of disagreement. So, without further ado, here’s a brief list of things that Sarah is wrong about…

Spaceballs: She is not a fan. I know, I’m just as angry.

Jigsaw Puzzles: Though not yet in her eighties (and despite the existence of every other possible form of entertainment), she remains a fan.

Ranch Dressing: She’s disrespected America’s Dressing™ on the record before, but it cuts deep every time.

Loudon Wainwright III: Despite him clearly being a national treasure, she does not celebrate the man’s entire catalog.

The Temperature: I think we can all agree that it’s hotter than the devil’s taint in this car, am I right? Don’t dare look away though, cause she’s definitely gonna surreptitiously slide that heat on the instant you’re distracted.

Immediate Sweatpants: It’s been a long day riding the rails, and you can’t wait to slide right into the loving embrace of your favorite sweats. Get ready though, as the Dowager Countess will be raising a judgmental eyebrow.

New England Clam Chowder: I want it coursing through my veins, she wants it poured down the drain. #sad

Caddyshack: The Spaceballs hate was a punch to the first nut. The Caddyshack hate takes care of the other one.

Bob Dylan’s ‘Time Out of Mind’: Like a fine wine, it gets better with age. This is not an opinion shared across the marriage.

Black Licorice: Since we’re both from the Midwest, we obviously agree (like all civilized people) that Twizzlers are far superior to Red Vines, but then it all goes wrong when she Tokyo drifts into Disgustingtown by endorsing this ghastly flavor.

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Published by

Kyle Ford

Husband. Father of several clowns. Product guy.