Well, I’m blushing, guys. 😳
I finally realized that my anger and heartbreak with evangelicals hasn’t been due to anything they’ve done, but stems solely from the fact that I was out sick when they passed out the next ten commandments. I know, I’m the worst, right?!? 🤷♂️
Anyway, I’ve made sure to jot them down here in case anyone else was in the same boat! Repeat after me:
- Never allow money changers in the temple, unless of course they’re using the church roster to expand their MLM downlines, in which case they’re cleared for takeoff!
- A diverse-looking crowd of people each Sunday eliminates any need to address institutional racism (consider that box checked).
- Dominion over creation and Christ’s imminent return? Drill, baby, drill!
- Treat others as you’d want to be treated (except LGBTQ people obvs, so if they’re mentioned, just quickly start discussing what you’re bringing to the next potluck event).
- Don’t let any unwholesome talk come from your mouth, unless you’re OWNING THE LIBS.
- Pray in the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit and the Thin Blue Line.
- Love foreigners as you love yourself, but if there’s a chance they might take American jobs, you better BUILD THE WALL.
- Children are a heritage from the Lord, but be sure to never value them and their safety at school more than your freedom to buy assault weapons.
- Don’t let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, but should anyone dare to peacefully take a knee during the national anthem, flip every table around.
- Nourish your soul by focusing on the Bible, spiritual books and uplifting content (avoiding conflict and withdrawing from those with opposing viewpoints definitely won’t transform the world into a polarized hellscape).
Praise be, I feel more spiritual already. 🙏
House of Kyle 