10. It’d be a devastating blow to their essential oils “business”
9. They’re deep into a 4-week LinkedIn course on finding the perfect number of humblebrags to add per post, while ensuring that all federal and state douchebaggery requirements are still met
8. Afraid of being shunned by their peers for not posting 😂😂😂 on each and every “it’s so hot!” or “it’s so cold!” daily thermometer pic
7. Just two more gender reveal videos until their stamp card is full
6. Gun to their head, they can’t name anything funnier than those Minion memes!
5. God will insta-smite them for missing even one daily “coffee and bible!” pic
4. Every Peloton dashboard screenshot is a unique and delightful snowflake, gotta catch ’em all
3. They’re standing by with 😡😡😡 as soon as the next person kneels during the national anthem
2. The steal’s not gonna stop itself
1. Paying for account verification is the only way they can reach orgasm
For real though, stop hitting yourself.
House of Kyle 